:: Unique Cast Glass Monuments, Memorials, Headstones & Signage – designed by Lundgren Monuments :::

I have no intention of being buried or of choosing to bury anyone. Ever. But there is something about a glass grave marker—the fact you can see through it, the way it seems to absorb sunshine and turn it green and calm for you—that kind of works for me.

The whipped cream is kind of goopy and thick and even slimy. It’s sort of gross. It tastes good, but the texture is all wrong.

Alecia, defend your people.

Urban Legends Reference Pages: Humor (Jest in Time):

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, “I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I’m not leaving until I get it.”

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, “Do any of the girls have any diseases?” Of course the Madam said no. He said, “I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT’S the girl I want.”

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, “Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?”

He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he’ll jump the baby-sitter’s bones, and he’ll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter’s, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE’S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG.”

My mommy just left. 🙁

I irresponsibly slept well into the afternoon today. I don’t do this that often; I must have really needed to catch up on the rest. When I sleep for a long time like that (about twelve hours), I have my clearest and most memorable dreams. I’m not sure why.

Anyway. I was friends with Rachel from “Friends,” only really it wasn’t her, it was more like my real friend Lin. We were at my house, and we got in her car and went to her house. Except it wasn’t her house, it was a school. She was a teacher. She taught junior high, except there were also toddlers in her class, in high chairs. I asked about this and was told it was because the toddlers needed bottles in the middle of the day and everyone had to help out. After a few minutes a bell rang and the students left. All the chairs and desks they were sitting in were in a circle, but when they left so did those. It was the last day of school for the summer, I think, because everyone was saying very heartfelt goodbyes to Lin/Rachel. One boy who was rather cute hugged her, and we laughed (there was another friend there, not just me) because it was exactly the sort of hug a teenage boy would want to give a hot teacher. We imagined him high-fiving his friends when he got outside.

Anyway, after the students left it was somehow Lin/Rachel’s apartment again, not the school. It looked sort of like my apartment, with a long, skinny living room with a passthrough window to the kitchen on one end and windows to the deck on the other. Between the living room and the kitchen was a set of stairs going down, with a white iron railing. This is where the kids left.

Next to the stairs were some books on the floor. I picked one up and started reading it. It was erotica, and there was a horse involved. I couldn’t get into it. I also kept going into the kitchen and picking up two bags of tomatoes. One bag had one tomato in it, and the other bag had three. The three tomatoes were soft and mushy and should have been thrown out. The single tomato was fine. I had a small knife, but I don’t remember cutting up the tomato.

Lin/Rachel was wearing a sundress and kept pulling it up and scratching her stomach. I don’t know what the hell THAT means.

After a while I went to the bathroom. It was the bathroom off the master bedroom at Lisa’s house, same window and all. Somehow I left the bathroom and got into the car. I drove and somehow got on the highway. It was interstate 32, which if it exists is nowhere near here. I didn’t mean to get on the highway, so I got off at the next exit intending to turn around. When I got back on going south (yes, 32 would run east and west in the real world) there was a long line of trucks and cars in the left lane. The right and center lanes were clear, so I assumed there’d been an accident but it wasn’t affecting the whole road. On the curving ramp to get off to go back to Lin/Rachel’s, there were watermelons stacked several rows high and deep along the side of the road. A truck driver had unloaded them, or was loading them, and I talked to him. He was very, very concerned that the watermelons were radioactive. I was not concerned.

As I drove around the curve, the watermelons somehow jumped into my car, sort of like when you pick things up on the side in Katamari Damacy.

When I got back to Lin/Rachel’s, I went back in through the bathroom (though I wasn’t clear on how, and the model bathroom at Lisa’s doesn’t open to the outside) and though I’d been gone for hours no one seemed to notice. I left the car running. Later on we were outside discussing the car, because I couldn’t spend the night and Lin/Rachel had to drive me home. She was kind of pissed about the watermelons.