general ROYAL SYNONYMIZER: Greetings, Your Highness. How may I be of ministration?

Posted February 11, 2005 • Comments Off on ROYAL SYNONYMIZER: Greetings, Your Highness. How may I be of ministration?

I was reading the paper. I read about Sudan. Then I wrote to Lisa, thusly:

Then I read another thing about Prince Charles and how he’s gonna marry his mistress Camilla and what Camilla’s titles will then be (she won’t be the Princess of Wales, and even when he’s king, she won’t be queen, which is a first for England) and how complicated it all is, and that made me cheer up.

Then Lisa wrote back. She wrote this masterpiece.

“The Princess Consort” amuses me. It’s just so close to “courtesan”. I wish I had been a fly on the wall of the palace during that conversation.

CHARLES: But Mum, I luv her!

ELIZABETH: She’s a whore, Cholls, and you know it! That’s it! We’ll call her ‘The Royal Strumpet!’

CHARLES: Um, Mum?

ELIZABETH: Yes, you’re right. That’s not quite appropriate, is it? After all, we don’t want to offend the brass musicians in our kingdom. What about ‘Her Majesty the Harlot’?

CHARLES: The alliteration is impressive, but …

ELIZABETH: Oh, send in the Royal Synonymizer!

ROYAL SYNONYMIZER: Greetings, Your Highness. How may I be of ministration?

ELIZABETH: I need you to concoct a new title for Charles’ slut.

ROYAL SYNONYMIZER: Indubitably! What about ‘Princess Paramour’?

ELIZABETH: Too romantic.

ROYAL SYNONYMIZER: ‘Sovereign Sweetie’? ‘Majestic Mama’?

ELIZABETH: This will not do. Someone get me the Royal Euphemizer!

(The Royal Synonymizer is shot.)

ROYAL EUPEMIZER: Yes, my liege?

ELIZABETH: We need a catchy, yet distasteful title for Cholls’ new wife. Any ideas?

ROYAL EUPHEMIZER: Well, she was the illicit lover of a married prince in line for the throne until his ex-wife was killed in a gruesome accident that may or may not have been orchestrated by her husband in hopes that he could eliminate her, therefore clearing the path for said lover to take her place next to him as an insignificant monarchist.

CHARLES: Thanks.

ROYAL EUPHEMIZER: Hey, no problem. Where was I? Oh yes. We could call her the Royal Courtesan.

(Silence)

ELIZABETH: Dayum. You’re good. There’s no way she’d agree to that, though.

ROYAL EUPHEMIZER: Well, we could give her a title that clearly communicates her role within the royal family: companion. You know, like a … dog.

(Charles fumes.)