general

Posted February 14, 2005 • Comments Off on

I just hate everything. Why are weekends so short? Why does it have to take so long to get to work in the car and on the bus and on the train and so long again in reverse to get home? Why is bearing my office so, so, so hard, that it’s a struggle to make myself go? Why does it have to be so, so cold outside and so, so windy and wet?

I’m just so sad and I hate it. I feel like I’m failing at everything. I can’t even write a rent check and be sure it’ll clear. I’ll never be able to afford to go away this summer. I’m always terrified my friends are tired of me and that when I don’t call for a week they just breathe a sigh of relief. My house is so filthy and I can’t seem to do anything about it no matter how hard I try. There are hours and hours and hours of television recorded and it feels like so much of a commitment to sit down and watch something worthwhile.

It’s so, so cold outside, and it’s just always, always, always dark. I feel like I haven’t seen the sun in years. It’s always dark. It’s dark when I leave work. It’s dark when I get home. It’s dark for the three or four hours I can spend to live my actual life before I have to go to bed and do it again in the morning. It’s not dark in the morning, but I’m only really outside for a few minutes, maybe a total all-told of ten minutes a day. And it’s so cold it doesn’t matter if the sun is out, because it doesn’t do any good.

And I lent Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell to Lin and I can’t believe I did. I’m risking not getting it back. The house feels empty without it.

I can’t even think of anything remotely amusing to say.